


Afterwards

by DarkHorseAsh



Series: Neurodiverse/Mentally Ill Critical Role Oneshots [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Caleb is not ok but he's trying, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Found Family, Hurt/Comfort, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-19 15:25:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18137519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkHorseAsh/pseuds/DarkHorseAsh
Summary: Afterwards, Caleb dreams.   It's not pleasant.  Beau decides that he's going to be ok, whether he likes it or not.





	Afterwards

**Author's Note:**

> I have not felt this compelled to write something in a long time and I haven't even properly seen the last episode. I hope this isn't complete garbage.

After everything is done and the bubble is up, Caleb rinses his hands under his waterskin and rubs them till they’re red in the hopes he can get the smell of flames out. He can feel Nott’s eyes on his back, but he refuses to turn and meet her gaze.  He can feel the other's eyes, too, but he won’t look he can’t look he doesn’t want to see the fear or the hatred or the fact that  _ they know what he is he’s so bad.   _

 

He half expects them to refuse to sleep in the tent.  He wouldn’t want to sleep next to himself, not after the fire and the burning and the  _ fear  _ on their face that had been the first thing he’d seen when he’d opened his eyes.  Even BEAU had looked scared and he was pretty sure the last time she’d looked truly afraid was when Molly had a sword driven through his chest and he didn’t get back up.  

 

They do sleep in the bubble, but they don’t touch him, which means they’re all curled up on one side and he’s tucked off by himself.  Caleb bends, buries his head in his hands, and force down his heartbreak. They hate him, of course they do. Why wouldn’t they? He barely hears what they’re saying, automatically gulping down a mouthful from his waterskin but not eating because he is pretty sure the food would come right back up.  He’s  _ tired,  _ the kind of bone-deep tired that breaks his soul because he knew it would never go away again.  He hurt them, he nearly killed them. It was all his fault.

 

Beau didn’t know what to do.  Caleb had shoved himself into the furthest corner of the tent and when she so much as walked past, he’d flinched away and whimpered as if he expected her to turn and start beating him.  She had a sinking suspicion that that was  _ exactly  _ what he expected, so she ducked back out of the bubble to join the others.  “He’s not ok.” Nott looked ready to charge into the bubble, so Beau raised a hand.  “We don’t want to crowd him. We all know what this reminds him of, he probably thinks we hate him.”  Nott looks like she wants to hunt Trent Ikithon down and strangle him with both hands and, at this point, Beau would be right beside her.  

 

It’s Caduceus who speaks up, still looking woozy as Yasha is helping him stay standing.  “Then what do we do? I will defer you two on this, Beau and Nott. You know him far better than the rest of us.” Nott hesitates before slumping.  “Just...take care of him? Tell him that we don’t hate him and we don’t want to hurt him and that  _ he doesn’t want to hurt us. _  Don’t let him blame himself for it.”  The others nod, looking far more serious than they usually look.  “We’ve got his back, Nott,” Jester assures the little goblin. “We’ll make sure he’s ok.”

 

Caleb doesn’t even move when they get back into the bubble.  He curls away from them, coat draped over his thin body and twitching occasionally when one of them says something.  They settle down to sleep, Fjord leaning against the wall to try and keep watch as the others curl up and drift into sleep.

 

Caleb has never wanted to cry so badly in his life.  He listened to Nott bed down with the others, forcing down a nearly frantic plea for Nott to come to him.  He wrapped his arms around himself, pressing his head into his knees and closing his eyes as he let himself fall into a frantic, uneasy sleep.

 

He dreamed of flames flickering from his hands and shooting towards them.  He watched Nott stumble, skin blistering under the flames as she screamed for him.  He watched Beau, unable to dodge around all the flames as he sent bolt after bolt fighting frantically to make his hands stop but they wouldn’t.  “I hate you!” She screamed, and he couldn’t stop his own whimpered agreement. They were dying all around him and he couldn’t stop causing it and it was all his fault. “I’m sorry” he sobs, digging his hands into his forearms because maybe then he’ll stop hurting them but they’re still  _ burning  _ and even if he closes his eyes, he can see their bodies.  “I’m so sorry.”   
  


Beau is on watch when she hears the screams.  She spins around, spotting the moment the bubble falls as Caleb wrenches himself to his feet with a heartbreaking scream.  “CALEB!” She shouts, and it turns out that is exactly the wrong thing to do. He falls to his knees with another guttural scream, clinging to himself.  Beau crossed the room in seconds, kneeling down a few feet away from the gasping man. “Caleb, it’s ok, I need you to wake up.” She soothes, as if talking to a wild animal.  “Caleb, it’s ok.” Caleb’s eyes are still screwed up as he screams out another hoarse wail in Zemnian. 

 

The others were moving behind her, but Beau refused to tear her focus from the shaking man in front of her.  Caleb swung his head from left to right and back again, eyes terrified and unseeing “ Es tut mir Leid.” Caleb whimpered, hands pressing into his legs.  Beau didn’t think anything was wrong with that, until she smelled smoke.  She froze, glancing down in horror as she realized that his hands were burning into his legs.  “Hey, Caleb, no, no you can’t do that.” 

 

Caduceus and Nott are just behind her before she notices them, but Caleb doesn’t seem to notice.  He’s stopped screaming, but now he’s just gasping out frantic Zemnian words that she doesn’t understand.  Nott reaches forward, and Caleb screeches and scrambles back. Beau can smell the burns on his flesh and that’s what forces her into movement.  “I’m sorry buddy, but I have to do this please dont hate me.” She surges forward, ducking behind caleb and dropping back to the ground. She wraps her arms tightly around his, locking her elbows on his and her hands on his wrists as she forced them away from his flesh. Caleb  was screaming, nonsense Zemnian mixed with hate-filled apologies and begs not to leave him. 

 

Beau has never hated having to do something as much as she hated this.  She kept her limbs firmly lashed around Caleb’s as he twisted and fought.  She was definitely stronger, but he was frantic in his efforts to claw at his own skin.  “Shh, Caleb, please wake up, you’re fine!” She soothes. Caduceus moves forward slowly, using a damp cloth he had produced from somewhere to wipe down Caleb’s head even as the man fought Beau.  

 

Caduceus talked softly, non-threateningly, about things that had  _ nothing  _ to do with their current situation.  He talked about the plants and the most interesting things they’d ever said to him, about the way the shadows on the gravestones looked in the morning.  He talked about his family, about the siblings that had already left and how he hoped that he would get to see them again and wouldn’t it be cool if they ran into them on the road.  Caleb whimpers under his hands, a keening noise that breaks Beau’s heart. Nott has scrambled to sit in his lap, trying desperately to ground Her Boy as he fought weakly in Beau’s arms.

 

She wasn’t sure how long they sat there.  Her arms throbbed and her ankles ached where Caleb had been trying to shove his feet into them for traction to jerk himself away from her. It never worked, but he was putting up a valiant effort.  Finally, Beau grew tired of their failing efforts and decided to try something new. She pulled him closer, wrapping herself around him in a tight hug. She paused to dig her thumb into his forearm before snarling in his ear, “Caleb, I need you to wake up.  Whatever you’re seeing, it’s not real.” Caleb keens once more, arching away from her hand as she digs her fingers deeper into the burn, feeling him twist in pain and then go completely limp. “Es tut mir Leid” Caleb sobbed out, slumping forward like a puppet with cut strings as he clung to himself.  Beau let him go, seeing how the sleep-glazed look in his eyes had been replaced by complete misery. “Caleb, steady, you’re ok.” She soothes, moving forward to rest a hand against his back.

 

Caleb flinched hard, nearly throwing himself away from her hand, but she held it firm.  “Shh, easy Cay, we’ve got you. Look around. We’re all ok.” She sends a glare over her shoulder at the others, who quickly seem to get the memo as they move to form a loose circle in front of them.  Yasha’s eyes are wide with concern and Jester looks like she’s having to resist the desire to run and hug Caleb. Fjord looked concerned, but also nervous, and she really just wanted to punch him because it had  _ not  _ been Caleb’s fault, of course it hadn’t.

 

He seemed to relax slightly once he saw all of them, eyes flickering over everyone.  “Cmon, Caleb, lets go for a walk for a minute.” She doesn’t give him a chance to refuse, just pulls him to his feet and starts walking with him.  He goes, limp and shaky. She knows he doesn’t want the others to see him like this so she walks until they’re far enough that they can see the others and be safe, but also far enough that the others can’t hear them.  

 

It’s a good thing she stops when she does because a moment later, his knees buckle and she’s lowering him onto the rocks.  She tucks the blanket Caduceous had given her around his shoulder and forces her waterskin into his hands. Caleb blinks sluggishly, eyes wide with panic, and she crouches down in front of him.  “Drink.” He does, shakily, forcing the waterskin to his lips and the fluids down. “I-I’m so sorry.” He chokes out, and Beau moves to rest a hand on his knee. “You’ve got no reason to be sorry, Cay.  It wasn’t you. It was something controlling your body and making you do it.” 

 

His disbelief is written into his face, so she presses on.  “Look at me, Caleb. Look at them. We’re all alive. We’re here.  It’s ok. You could’ve easily used a better spell, another wall of flames, that banishing thing you were telling me about, and you didn’t.  That was you fighting it you weren’t in control, Cay. We don’t blame you. It was  **not your fault.”** Caleb freezes, starting to shake violently under her hand.  “Oh gods.” Caleb chokes out, twisting to the side and throwing up. Beau moves with him, wrapping an arm around him to keep him steady and resting a hand on his back, rubbing it gently.  “Caleb, it’s ok.” 

 

It was times like this that Beau cursed herself for being so bad at being nice.  She was doing her best, but the only thing she knew how to do was say the truth and the truth was that it wasn’t his fault but she couldn’t help thinking that someone else could’ve done more.  “Hey, brother, it’s ok.” she soothes, reaching out to touch his shoulder. “Caleb, it’s ok.” Caleb gives a frantic gasp, breaths coming in shaky gasps. “I thought...oh god, it felt like when I, when they, I thought it was him coming to get me for good.”  Caleb babbles desperately. “I can’t get it out of my head, oh gods. All I can see is the flames.” He makes a horrible choking noise, twisting to throw up again but there’s nothing left in his stomach so he just gags and gasps. 

 

Beau waits till he’s done gagging before she moves, pulling the sobbing man into her arms.  Caleb goes willingly, burying his face in her shoulder and sobbing hysterically as she awkwardly ran a hand over the back of his head and tried to think of what she had seen Jester or Nott or Caduceus do to calm someone down.  Caleb was hysterical, gasping into her neck about how horrible he was, gasping plees to let him go because he would hurt them mixed with frantic apologies that hurt even her soul. Beau didn’t speak, she just held the distraught wizard close and let him cry.  She wondered quietly when the last time someone had just let him cry was. Caleb was impossibly good at putting up walls and trying to just survive on his own. She could respect that, she was plenty good at it in her own right. But in this moment, it was painfully clear that Caleb needed someone else and she was going to do her best to be that for him.  

 

It took far too long, in her opinion, for the broken cries to stop.  Caleb finally seemed to have cried himself out, slumping forward in her arms as she shifted to hold him more securely.  “You ok?” Caleb gave a tiny nod, burying his face in her neck and tightening his grip. “I am sorry.” He mumbles in halting common.  “I…I promise I did not mean to.” Beau nods, resting her head on top of his. “It wasn’t you. Ok. It wasn’t your fault and it  _ wasn’t  _ him, Caleb.  He’s not here.  I promise. And even if he was, he’d have to go through me and no one wants to do that.” Caleb can’t help but give a tiny smile, wrapping his arm loosely around Beau’s waist.  “You promise?” His voice was tiny and fragile. “Yup.” Beau says confidently. “He’s not getting near you.”

 

They sat in silence for a while longer before Caleb spoke again.  “Are the others angry?” Beau snorts, causing the man to freeze for a moment before he heard what she was saying. “God no.  They’re just worried, Cay. We all are.” Caleb slumps, nearly boneless against her. She’s exhausted, too, her body stiff from the tight hold she had been keeping.  “We’re gonna all sit down in the morning and drink tea and talk, ok? Cause that wasn’t you, Caleb. Nobody is mad at you, or Yasha, or  _ anyone  _ but that thing.”  She ran a hand through his hair with a tired sigh.  “You need to sleep. We all do.”    
  


Apparently, that was the worst suggestion she could’ve made because Caleb freezes in her arms.  “No, no, no sleep.” He whimpers. “I don’t, I can’t watch you guys burn again I can’t please don’t make me watch me kill you again.”  Beau tightens her grip, rocking them both carefully. “Hey, it’s ok. We’ve got you, Caleb.” She stands, pulling Caleb up with her. He whines, legs crumpling, so she just picks him up.  Caleb is limp against her, one hand fisting in her shirt as they walk. Caduceus and Jester rush to help her get him settled on his bedroll, coaxing sips of water into the shaking man around his miserable whimpers as he begged not to have to sleep again.  Nott glances around helplessly, locking her eyes on Fjord and mouthing  _ “Think of something!”   _

 

“Would it help if we all lay with you?”  Caleb swings his head to look at Fjord, eyes wide, and Fjord explains.  “Help the nightmares, I mean. I assume that’s what woke you up? Maybe if we all lay together your brain would...get that we were ok.  And even if it didn’t, we would be able to wake you up faster.” Caleb hesitates, before giving an exhausted noise and nodding. “Ja, ok.”   
  


Nott moves first, scrambling up onto his lap and resting her head on his chest.  Caleb freezes, slowly shifting to wrap a hand around his friend. Beau moves slowly, laying next to him and draping an arm over him as Jester does the Same on the other side.  Beau can hear the soft sounds of movement as Yasha carefully settles down next to her, and a moment later she feels the Barbarian’s arm reach over her. “I hope you don’t mind.”  Yasha mutters, and Beau shrugs. “It’s fine, Yasha, no complaints here.” On the other side of their little group, Fjord was doing the same thing as he reached over Jester. Caduceus settled near Caleb’s head to keep watch, running his hands through the reddish-brown hair.  “It’s alright, Mr.Caleb. We’ve got you.”

 

He didn’t want to sleep.  The worst of the panic had faded and had left him with just a bone-deep fear.  He wanted to run away from them before he got them hurt or killed or  _ taken.   _ But he couldn’t force himself to move when he could feel the warm hands resting on his arms and Nott’s weight firmly keeping him where he was, grounding but not restricting.  He twisted his right hand up, till his fingers found Beau’s. “Promise?” Her fingers gripped his tightly. “I promise. That thing is gone and you-know-who isn’t getting anywhere near you, not on my watch.”  Caleb nods, shifting ever-so-slightly to lean more against her as he closed his eyes. Caduceus’s hands ran softly through his hair and he could hear Beau humming something as she rested her head on his shoulder.  “Good night, Caleb.” Caleb just hummed tiredly in response. “Good night, sister.” 


End file.
